The Bipolar Blogging Mom

I don’t feel home any where these days. When I’m home I feel a massive void. I feel a yearn to be somewhere else but then any new idea is bogged down with burdens of finances, leaving my sons, work, etc. So it doesn’t feel like I belong anywhere. I think I have no hobbies and that’s really becoming a problem to me in the sense that I feel a loss of identity. The self care I did today was buy good smelling cleaner for my house – so maybe my hobby is being a maid… one that isn’t paid much and doesn’t clock out.

I learned today that flamingos lose their pink intensity when they are raising babies as so much of their energy source is given to their offspring. If there was a day I was a pale white flamingo, it would be today. I’m sapped from parenthood, adulthood, and overall life. I’m craving a feeling of being swept off my feet and listened to like an intelligent vessel of experience and worth – versus a business partner, or worse, someone that just caters to the needs of others. I must also add that the flamingos can be restored back to their bright hues once their offspring are raised. This did give me hope I guess. But it feels unreachable currently; like the harder I chase it, the more it repels me. Each new sensation might excite me for a moment but it quickly dissolves with a life hood such as tight funds, changed plans, no baby sitter, or my household doesn’t seem as excited as me. And while I preach that everyone should advocate for their own needs and voice, it makes it hard to want to follow my needs and callings when the very people surrounding me find reminders that hold me back. I just feel stuck; like a pale flamingo. So for now, I hold onto the hope that one day I’ll be a bright pink flamingo again.